New, Trump-Injected Crowdfunding Site Will (Not Really) Make Your Dreams Come True

Posted: May 8, 2013 in Money, Technology

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Are you ready for Donald Trump to (not really) give
you (not real) money for your (not really) amazing
project? Well, (not really his) new site, FundAnything,
is ready to take your money! The new funding site is (not really) run by Trump (it is
really headed up by the Bill Zanker, founder of the
Trump-infested Learning Annex) but darn it if it
doesn’t look like the Donald won’t give you cash if
you ask him nice! People do not assume this but more than anything
else, I like helping people. Be at Trump Tower at 11
AM today.—
Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 08, 2013 The site began its life/death cycle today with typical
Trump flair. This morning the Trumpster tweeted that
he was about give out loads of cash on the street
because, presumably, he has nothing better to do on
a Wednesday. However, he is really giving out money
to pre-selected people and some folks pulled from the crowd. Arguably, his attempts at charity, though
mendacious and baldly noble, are noble. From the
press release: The world’s most famous billionaire businessman,
Donald Trump, will be distributing suitcases filled with
cash to 3 people he has chosen to help. The 3
individuals who will be on hand to receive the money
will include a family afflicted by a life-threatening
medical condition, a small business owner crippled by the effects of Hurricane Sandy, and an aspiring
singer-songwriter. Mr. Trump is inviting the public to
attend the event where some people in the crowd will
also be selected to receive additional piles of money.
The rules are sufficiently abstract but similar to
Indiegogos, at least in spirit. FundAnything charges a 9% fee on the contributions you collect if your project
isn’t fully funded. It takes 5% on projects that are
funded. There’s also a processing fee of 3%. Will FundAnything be successful? Well, considering
they’ve overtly borrowed the site design of the two
leading platforms, Indiegogo and Kickstarter, and,
more importantly, have a big picture of Donald Trump
on the front page I seriously doubt success is in the
cards. Startups that hire “stars” to flog their launches are usually the worst kind of startups simply because
this suggests a level of self-regard and showmanship
that turns off early adopters and draws all the wrong
kind of customers. I could, for example, imagine
FundAnything attempting a TV campaign based on
the premise that Trump will fund your stuff. Those suckered into the site will slowly realize that Trump,
like a dark, necrotic god, is powerless to help them. Until they shutter this mess, stare into his eyes,
mortals, and weep. He is Trump, avatar of Mammon.
All hail!

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